Humor & Jokes
We giggle softly, chortle, chuckle, snort with laughter or guffaw: our risible muscles are used on a daily basis.
This page is dedicated to the world of smart jokes and has listed funny performances, humorous stories and hilarious events from various real life situations. You will find on these pages only jokes which definitely are safe for work, and also safe for children.
One famous quote states: "I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." [Audrey Hepburn, actress]
The origin of these humorous texts and funny jokes is unknown to me and they reflect not necessarily my opinion. Some of the content on the following pages might not be considered funny by special groups, e.g. lawyers, doctors, teachers, students, civil servants, Catholics, children, men and women.
One definition states:
Humor is when you laugh despite.
So you have been warned. Either (try) to laugh or leave this page ;-).
Your Source of Daily Entertainment
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Spongebob Secret of Secrets
Well there's no secret that the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to your secret collection of secrets, secretly.
Pronounce it please!
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"
A list of "Great Lies Of Our Time" Some of these will be familiar to many of you.
- I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.
- There is no danger to the public.
- O God...if you get me through this, I'll never drink again.
- This'll hurt me more than it hurts you.
- Of course it's perfectly legal.
Some of these oxymoronic phrases are classics that everyone's heard of, but we thought a lot of them were quite original.
- Military Intelligence
- Jumbo Shrimp
- Peacekeeping Force
- Bad Sex
- Honest Politician
- Good Pauly Shore Movie
- Fighting For Peace (isn't this like F&%$ing for Virginity?)
- Classical Accordian
- Yugo Enthusiast
Dieting & Dying
Some observations about diets, dieting, and dying:
- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
- The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
- The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
- The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
- The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.