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Secret Cat Diary

Cats can sometimes withholding their affection. It can take a cat a while to warm up with a human, and even then you’re never really sure what they’re thinking. Sometimes, actually, they can be downright mean. These diary entries perfectly encapsulate what’s going on inside a cat’s mind — they’re hilarious!

 

DAY 752 — My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 — Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 — Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 — Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 — I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 — There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage ...

DAY 774 — I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to returnee. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) á and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Day 775 — The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I cannot stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! Yet, they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?

Day 776 — The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.

Day 777 — The wardens take much interest in our waste. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in waste does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.

Day 778 — The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture and he did not even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror.

Day 779 — Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick ,it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but - the Sphinx be praised - I support it whole-heartedly!

Day 780 — I got messed up on catnip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am their captor! Why have I not seen this all before?