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Why God Will Never Get Tenure At Any University

Tenure refers to the academic tenure systems, in which professors (at university level) are granted the right not to be dismissed without cause after an initial probation (in other words: they got a paid job).

The answers to the issue, of why God never received a tenure (or Ph.D. — for that matter) may look like a joke but there's a lot of wisdom in these items.

  1. He had only one major publication.
  2. It was in Hebrew.
  3. It had no cited references.
  4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
  5. His paper was never submitted for peer review.
  6. Some even doubt He wrote it himself.
  7. It may be true that He created the world but what has he done since?
  8. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
  10. Some say he had his son teach the class.
  11. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
  12. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
  13. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
  14. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
  15. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  16. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
  17. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Source: unknown; supposedly based on a column by Ann Landers]

Reasons why He doesn't care:

  1. He's the boss.
  2. His only publication is still the most influential in the field, with millions of citations a year.
  3. Sure, He didn't wrote it Himself, but with 12 grad students, would you?
  4. Disagree with Him, and you may end up in hell.
  5. Nobody can beat His 4.5 billion years of field work and 3.5 billion years of DNA expertise.
  6. His research facilities are simply the best: even well funded scientists will admit they work in conditions which are "far from Heaven" when asked.


Although called "names", they are actually more attributes. Here is a list of the The 99 names of God in English.